Be Still

I'm not going to even try to pretend like this post has any rhyme or reason; it doesn't. Maybe I'm only writing right now to keep me from being bored? Maybe I'm only writing to discover a resolution or feel a sense of accomplishment? Getting lost in my thoughts and putting myself out there always helps me to see my life in a different light...almost like an outsider. Writing not only helps me to expose and work through my own problems in a way that I can see and make sense of; but, it also makes me feel better- more accomplished. Sometimes, I find it easier to write to a known audience... to write directly to someone. This time though, it makes more sense for me to write in a chaotic and unbound way, with no reservations, like I am writing in a journal.
 I told somebody recently that I quit writing because I quit having interesting or cool thoughts. She quickly pointed out to me that I don't need to have "cool thoughts" to write. So, I am writing this to sort out junk and to overcome some writer's block. I apologize in advance for any confusion this may cause- I know it will. I can hardly follow my thoughts for myself sometimes. 

Here goes nothing. 

"Be still, My Child."  It's like everywhere I turn, everywhere I go, I am reading that or hearing that. God? Is that you, homie? I know it is... it isn't any coincidence. 

The past month has been a whirlwind.. a rollercoaster absolutely. I know, God; I know that you're telling me to be still. To rest. But, it's like.... I don't know. I just cant. Avoiding rest is so much easier. Rest= being alone. I was beginning to fall in love with my alone time, with the time that I spent in reflection each day. What happened?  Why is it now that right when I feel like everything is starting to make sense- to click- that everything just kind of falls apart? Not like, in a super dramatic house cave in kind of way.. but in a  way thats like.. I don't know. It's like, a month ago, I just KNEW,  that I knew, that I knew, that I was living in God's will. I didn't know exactly what it was that I was set out to do, but I definitely had some clear goals, wants, dreams, stuff like that. And slowly when I wasn't looking, someone started erasing them one at a time. I still have dreams, and wants, and goals. I do. I just need to remind myself of what they are. I am resourceful. I can do anything that I set my mind to, and work at. I still feel God's calling on my heart to serve others, and to be where I am right now. But what now? I do know that I like to feel like I am making the important people in my life proud. And while it's hard for me to even tell myself exactly what it is that I want to be doing with my life, it is even more disappointing to tell that to someone else- especially someone who's opinion I value greatly.  This is where I get flustered. I know that that voice, the one that is calling me a disappointment and a failure, that voice doesn't come from any Holy or true place. That is Satan. His aim is to destroy me. This is when I must learn to be still. 

There is nothing wrong with being still. The sea is still sometimes, yet it is still provides life to thousands of different lifeforms and can cause damage beyond all belief when it brings its fury. The sea is a force to be reckoned with, yet it remains still at times- a peaceful place. 

What is still? I can be still for a whole lot of hours. For days even. I can be really still...but I always end up feeling like I just wasted all of that time. I think I have always written that off as me being "still" anyways. 

That's not still. When God tells me to be still, maybe he is  telling me it is time to be reverent to Him? Maybe, in my "still" time, God wants me to stand in awe of him... to focus my attention to HIS desires, not my own? How often do I really, really, sit back and admire all of his works? How often do I give PRAISE that I am even aware that I have a Father so in control, that He holds the universe in His hands? 

uh, a lightbulb just went off. Thank you Jesus. THIS is why I write. 

That's it!!!  God desires to spend time with me, to know me more and so that I may know Him and all of his desires - his will- more.   He will reveal His will to me as I learn to live for Him, and Him alone. Nobody else matters, and my soul will NOT find rest until I make it a point to further my relationship- MY relationship- with Him. every.  single. day. 

You love me, Lord. You love me, and you DESIRE to see me grow. You DESIRE for me to continue to empty my life of all the junk, of all of the garbage, so that I will be filled with more of you. Empty me, so that I may be filled. You aren't going to give me another step, another chapter to my book, until I have completely overcome the last one. I can not move forward without you. You never went anywhere. I can say "Here I am, Lord, send me," all day long, but if I don't truly mean it, he isn't going to send me because he knows that I am not ready. 

He knows the deepest corners of my heart, and he still desires to know me, and for me to know Him more. That is just wonderful. Oh, what a love.  

If I was dating someone, I would spend time with him, would I not? My heart would desire that. I would want to know everything about him, so that our relationship would be as strong as it could possibly be.

Life gets confusing when I don't make my relationship with God a priority, because I was designed to need His love and guidance; those things that I can only see or feel clearly by being still, alone, and spending time in His presence.

Everlasting. Unchanging. Steadfast. Non- judgemental. Sacred. Holy, Holy, Holy. 

Where has my mind been, to think things could possibly make sense without Him. 

This I have come to know, the Devil is the author of distraction. He didn't want me to realize any of the truths that I spent the past hour searching to be reminded of.  He loved the pattern of avoidance that I had fallen into. He did not want to see me make sense of things... to see me remember what it truly means to be still... So he made the actually ugly things very beautiful,  and the very clear things seem very confusing. That erasing that happened, he did  it. 

next subject.

desires.
Here's the thing. A few months ago, God told me to give up the desires of the world. By that, he meant to give up the desires of mankind- of flesh- and to dwell on only what is Holy and right. He did not ask me one day, " Hey Emily, care to quit letting that dude be the source of your self worth?" That is not what happened. He told me to RUN to him; to give up the battle against flesh, and to NOT EVEN compromise, because He has already overcome the world and He knows my plan!! To not even compromise. Because HE desires my heart, and He knows the greater plan! He told me to lay something down, so who am I to say it is okay to pick it back up again?? I cant see in the future, but he can. With that being said.... let me get even more personal. 

This summer ( really beginning very slowly the beginning of the year)  I have worked high and low to make a 180 away from the person that I used to be. And I have made compromises. I have sold myself short time and time again. But, I went away. I came face to face with my convictions and have taken BABY steps- praise the LORD there are at least steps- away from a life full of selfish desires. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for the strength and the courage to take a BOLD stand for what I believe in. 
I have prayed even more for God to give me the wisdom to be able to present myself humbly towards people as am example of God's incredible grace and love. For my heart to be forgiven and strengthened so that I can truly forgive people who have hurt me. I have asked God day in and day out to make my life a living testimony; to make me an encouragement, not a stumbling stone... for the courage to truly be an open book and not afraid of the persecution that may come along with standing up for my faith. For me to be unwilling to compromise (Though none go with me, I still will follow. No turning back, no turning back). 

Yeah, I've gotten pretty distracted. I forgot how to be still. I quit paying attention to a God who demands attention. There have absolutely been times that I have thought those prayers and turned right around and screwed up. There have been times when my prayers have been nothing greater than a few empty words. But, light always rules over darkness. While half of my prayers were said in a voice so incredibly distant from God, he heard every single one of them.

And he listened. I know, because I almost forgot about "no turning back." Let't make this clear: no=no. No=none at all. no-no=yes. yes=compromise. okay so that last part may be a little extra ya heard but I think I made my point clear. Capiche? God didn't say it was okay for me to compromise whenever I felt it was convenient for me. He said no compromise. What if your car maker decided it would be okay to compromise in the building of your brand new car... and only put half an engine in. Houston, we would have a problem. Things that are only halfway done are generally not done right.
 Anyway... I was confronted with a situation this summer. One in which I did make my intentions clear. I stood my ground once, so the battle had to have been done, right? Everybody understood and would never pressure me, correct? Wrong. False. Nope. And remember when I said that Satan makes even ugly pictures seem beautiful, so that they may cause us to fall? Well, let me tell you what, this situation was gorgeous. Every bit of it. Win win situation. Except, that particular situation, God told me to lay it down. I laid it down, but I didn't leave it alone. I danced around it, and continually poured gasoline way too close to an already lit fire, so to speak. But God, I'm still standing my ground, this has to be okay. He reminded me that he didn't only tell me to lay down my desires, but he also told me to turn from them. I knew that, but I kept standing there. Then, somebody literally told me they could no longer maintain a relationship with me unless I was willing to compromise. That what I felt like my lines were, were a little too much, and that regardless of the way God had worked and is working in my life, that those lines were too much for them. And my heart was broken. Why? Because it had to be broken. Why? Because God's desire is for me  to be sensitive to what breaks his heart. I can not love both sin and God.  I can not be both a slave to the world and a servant of The King.

Talk about a crazy lesson on compromise. I am learning to be okay with things like this happening. I can see that it is God's way of protecting my heart. Nobody deserves an explanation... if somebody continues to insist on your compromising in any area of your life that you have turned away from, let them walk out of your life as smoothly as they walked in. Please, please don't let their words hurt you. Who is the source of your worth, of your strength, of your future? Who genuinely cares for your wellbeing and even knows the exact number of hairs on your head? Please, do not compromise. You are worth so much more.  

I am so thankful that even when I forget to be still, that God doesn't forget about me. He reminds me of my prayer, and he gives me strength when it would be easier and more fun to be weak. He comforts me when I am hurt, and freely gives me grace even when I break his heart. Help me, God, to stay motivated  to search for and live to my fullest potential on this adventure of freedom. It't too easy to get caught up day to day, and to dream of the finish line, but avoid the race because it may seem overwhelming. Help me to not be a person that avoids situations, but instead handles them with your full control and guidance. Help me to not lose sight. 



Proverbs 3:21-24 " My child, don't lose sight of good planning and insight. Hang on to them,  for they fill you with life and bring you honor and respect. They keep you safe on your way and keep your feet from stumbling.  You can lie down without fear and enjoy pleasant dreams."

Psalms 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world."

1 John 4:10 “In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us.”

Galatians 5:25 "But if we live in the spirit, let us also walk in the spirit." 

Psalm 63:3  "Your unfailing love is better than life itself; how i praise you."

James 4:10 "Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up."

Romans 12:12  "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer."

Galatians 6:9 "Let us not grow weary of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up."

James 5:7-8  "Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near."

Hebrews 10:26  "For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins"

Matthew 6:24 " No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money."

2 Timothy 2:4 "No soldier gets entangled in civilian pursuits, since his aim is to please the one who enlisted him."

Hebrews 12:1-4 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up.  After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin."

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."


I wrote this tonight with zero goals in mind, other than trying to check something off a to- do list. If you have read this far, 1. you may be loony tunes if you succeeded in following my thought trails haha and 2. thank you. I was not expecting to have any type of revelation whatsoever but through thinking everything out and writing tonight,  I see positive changes I can make and have made this far. I was reminded tonight how to be still,  and encouraged that while staying true to myself and my faith may not be easy or what the world considers fun, that it is pleasing to God...and THAT is ALL that matters. I came off a bit on the Debbie Downer side in the early part of this post. Honestly, that is because Debbie Downer was the way I was feeling. I wasn't feeling thankful. Even though it's kind of embarrassing to reflect on and read, that's what I was feeling so that's how I wrote. I am so glad I did, because reading the way my tone changes from beginning to end just confirms the way that being alone in the presence of God for just a little while can make my heart be filled with joy. 

       Thank you, God, for breathing new life into things. 

You are more loved than you will ever know; and you are never, ever alone. Everybody has bad days every now and then. Everybody screws up and is guilty of being a hypocrite. It is never too late to get your heart right. Trust me, the freedom you gain is so much greater than anything else there is to lose.

                                   I love you all, so dearly. So much peace. Emily.