I am a sinner.
I was born that way. Dirty, lying, manipulative, eager to follow the path of the world. That's me. The fair and right thing for someone fitting that description is punishment, right? Thieves and murderers should be in jail, right? Liars should be put on blast, right? By every odd and statistic ever created, I should not be free. I should be dead. I SHOULD be condemned to an unhappy life, reaping the consequences of every bad decision I have ever made.
And then this Jesus man came along.
***This is the point where a lot of people would stop reading. Another story about amazing grace and let's be honest... who really wants to hear the same " dramatic lost but now I'm found boy who cried wolf but then never really changed anything actually if you really know them" story for the thousandth time? And frankly, I don't blame you for not wanting to keep reading... to not want to keep following my adventure. But, as selfish as this may be, please (I'm begging here) keep reading. Keep following me. Keep me accountable.**
Anyway, this Jesus man came along. And I'm not here to preach right now at this moment (can't promise that I won't later), so I'm not going to... but Jesus came along and said something kind of like "Hey girl, what do you think you're doing? You look a little lost. Come follow me and let me help you. I'm trying to give you freedom, please take it." And you wanna know what I said? Wanna know my reaction? I ran. I ran from freedom. I said nahhhh. I've got this God. I am in control. Yeah, I made a few mistakes, thanks for checking up on me and for the forgiveness and all, but I've got this.
Pretty stupid, huh? Yeah I know. And let me tell you what, I am not proud of that choice. My ability to be in control and to handle everything blew up in my face. I ran straight into darkness. The darkness was so dark, lonely, and hurtful. And loud. Every negative thought was put on blast not only in my head, but also in the words that were coming from the people I was surrounding myself by and from the music that I was listening to. And so what did I do? I ran again.
This time, when I ran, I had every intention of running straight into more darkness. Just this time, it was the kind of darkness that disguises itself as light. The kind where you catch just enough of a buzz, enough of a high, just enough to make life smell like roses for a few hours until you fell asleep..Only when you wake up, you are actually emptier and more lost than ever.
But something in my planning went wrong. Every "friend" I was supposed to be with, backed out. So I went for my backup plan, but then I spent too much time getting dressed and missed that boat too. So instead, I got in my car to drive and try to turn life off. I was angry. I was hurt. I was desperate for anything. I was alone. I turned my brain and feelings off and put myself on zombie auto pilot. And [PLOT TWIST] I drove straight to the church parking lot. What? I sat in that car and watched the sun set behind the steeple, and I cried out every hurt that I had to a God that had never felt more far away.
GOD WHERE ARE YOU??
WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING?
DO YOU NOT HEAR ME GOD?
I DON'T DESERVE THISSSSSSSS.
Bam. Instantly I stopped crying. Things got really awkward with me and a suddenly very present God. A song had come on the radio talking about the scandal of grace. It told the story of how scandalous it is that we are allowed freedom and given grace, when the world says what we deserve is condemnation. WOW. Okay, God, I hear you now. What was I talking about, that I don't deserve this? What was I thinking?? I didn't deserve to suffer the heartache that I brought upon myself? I didn't deserve to have to be in trouble for all of the bad choices that I had knowingly made? Uh hello, Emily,WAKE UP. Of course I deserved that!! What I actually did not and still do not deserve is this sweet, sweet freedom that I have. That is what's not fair. This Jesus guy came along and picked up everything I couldn't carry, made my path straight, AND he died so that me, every bit of the sinner that I am, could be made free. I hear you, God, loud and clear. I am unfairly free. I'll take that. I'm so sorry, God, I'm so sorry. I realized in that moment that God had never gone anyway, but instead it was me that kept running. I kept running from the one thing that could make me clean, that could save me. I kept running from the freedom that it is to have a personal relationship with Jesus, with God.
This is my story of how I have learned, and am still learning, to run home to God.
This is the story of life, as told by a prodigal daughter.
Tomorrow, or maybe tonight, I'm going to post again. Lately, there have been so many things going around the internet about image, and what it is to be beautiful. So that's probably going to be what post numero dos is going to be about. With all of that being said I have to go to work now and smile at a lot of people.
Oh..one last thing.... as uninteresting as I may be, there is more to my story. Where I have been, where I am now, where I am going. Everything that you just read above is a very VERY paraphrased background of who I am. I just wanted to put it out there from day 1 that I am a sinner that has been made new only because of the great love that God has for me. I think there are a lot of preachers out there, and not enough people willing to admit all the ways that they have really just screwed up in life and that they are actually not in control. I want to be the second. Well not only do I want to be, but I am the second. I want people to know how bad it sucks, how much it hurts. I want people to know that I have been there, done that, and wrote the book. I want people to know that they are NOT alone, that there is hope, that there is freedom, and that grace is real.
Luke 15:11-31 tells the parable of the prodigal son. Basically he went and partied and stuff, and then realized that is not the life that God had for him, and he went home. I put myself in that story and instead of it being about a physical father, I made it about my father that is God.... My favorite part is where it tells about how he was still a long way off but his father saw him coming. His father was filled with love and compassion and he ran to him, and he picked him up and spun him around hugging him, and he kissed him.
God does that same thing to us, he feels that same love and shows that same compassion for us, whenever we decide to turn away from the world and run home to him. That's so cool.
Ephesians 2
"1. Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins. 2. You USED to live in si n, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil- the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. 3. All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and incantations of our sinful nature. By our very nature, we are subject to God's anger, just like everyone else. 4. ** THIS IS GOLDEN** BUT GOD is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, 5 that even though we are dead because of our sins he gave us life when he raised us from the dead.
That's pretty sweet.
I've never been a very religious person, though I have admittedly craved a relationship like the one you described almost my while life. Many times, after feeling so hurt and alone, I find myself on God's doorstep, mustering up the courage to knock.
ReplyDeleteBut I never do. I'm weak. I'm a sinner. A liar. A manipulator. And I'm afraid. What will everyone inside think of me? What will He think of me? Would he even let me in?
Every time I stand at his door by myself. Instead of knocking, I look through the window then turn and run, more alone than before.
Reading inspirational things like this helps me feel less alone. It puts me one more hopeful step toward His door again. Maybe next time I'll have the strength to go inside.
I'm the first to admit that I don't have all of the right answers but I do know a few things for sure. First off let me start with this- religion and a relationship, to me, are different. Your relationship with Jesus is very personal. I grew up going to church as a child. I knew every Sunday school answer and all the songs. I was even baptized when I was 7. But ask me how often I was alone with God, and I didn't have an answer for you. Luke 11 says some stuff about seek and you will find. I was always hungry for Jesus, but never willing to do the work that it took to get fed. I never went seeking. Why didn't I seek? Because I knew that in order to find, I had to give up a lifestyle that I was not ready nor was I willing to give up. I was so desperately looking for life among death. For light among dark. For FREEDOM in the very things that I was a slave to. How much sense does that even make? But still, I knew all along what it would take to be free. It's really the hardest and quite simple thing all at the same time. The price has already been paid, we just have to get accept the gift and get rid of our junk to fully experience it. That's when the relationship starts. And the thing is, all those Sunday school answers i used to know, all that religion, I forgot it all. Because it's not a brain thing. It's not a religion thing. It's personal. It is in your heart. Don't try to wrap your head around it. That's the best advice anybody ever gave me.
DeleteNow to my second thought. You are worried what everyone inside will think of you and that he won't let you in? Honey, let me tell you. If there is one place where it is okay to be a broken mess It is in the presence of your savior. Hence his name.. savior. He's a savior. He saves messes. He's a doctor.. and although so many churches are made of people that don't cling to this truth, Jesus made it very clear that his church is to be a hospital for the broken. Mark 2: 17 says "Jesus told them, healthy people don't need a doctor - sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners." So there is that. There is no judgement. There is no bondage. Anything that tells you that there is is a lie. I do know that. I know it's hard to understand... don't try. Ephesians 3: 19 Paul said it too " May you experience the love of Christ THOUGH IT IS TOO GREAT TO UNDERSTAND FULLY. Then you will be made complete with all of the fullness of life and power that comes from God." Now finally, do you know about what kind of people Jesus was friends with when he was down here on earth? Do you know who his disciples were? Andrew was a fisherman. Peter was an emotional wreck and even denied Jesus ( Jesus still loved him anyway, what?). Matthew stole money from people. But these are the people that Jesus wanted and that he hand picked to be in his clique. The thing is, Jesus called us to show his light to the least of these. There's no such thing as somebody that doesn't belong in his kingdom.
I'm so thankful that my life somehow made you feel less alone. Please realize though, that I am nothing without a savior. That I'm nothing without grace. My life is still pretty nuts and I mess up. Every. Single. Day. The freedom that I have is only because I've learned and am still learning daily to give up myself and to find my worth in who I am in God (not in the eyes of the world because the world lies a lot and that sucks). And that freedom is free to everyone.. so drink some of that in sister.
You're not and won't ever be alone.
Great inspiration! We all need to be reminded daily. I have a 9 month old daughter and your recent post hit home. Keep it up
ReplyDeleteWow, thank you so much for the encouragement! I am so excited that God is using me to be a reminder to others. Thank you!!
Delete