Y'all. So I got this new job serving. And it is great and all, EXCEPT I get a free meal every day. And my uniform shirt, it is not a size XXL mens Tee like I'm used to wearing. Seriously, I look like I have eaten a horse and need to go on a cleanse and starve myself before I can be seen in a swimsuit.
Body image. This is something that I can not write about with ease about... It is really hard to be transparent about issues that I struggle with daily, so bear with me.
That opening paragraph, about my new job, and eating, and starving and stuff. I didn't just get artsy fartsy and make that up to get your attention. I have said those exact words probably fifteen times this week. First things first, I don't actually think that I look giant from this job, and I am NOT going to starve myself. Y'all know I like my food. I am just so used to being MEAN to myself, to talking down to myself, that it is just natural instinct to continue to do it. A habit. A bad, bad habit. A habit that God has been convicting me of lately.
I am making it my new habit to wake up in the morning and surrender my image to Him. To wake up in the morning and speak truth over myself. Because I am beautiful. I am a daughter of the king, and he made me perfect in His sight. I am making it my habit to treat my body ( a temple ) with respect....whether it be by my diet, or the way I talk to myself. I am learning to treat my body the way it deserves to be treated.
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalms 139:14
"Don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself." 1 Corinthians 6:19
So now that I have established the fact that I am going to treat my body with respect, it's fine that I said that stuff.. as long as I don't actually think it and don't actually starve myself, right?
Wrong.
Because for one, why would I even say it out loud if I wasn't actually thinking it, or if I wasn't really insecure about it? And for two, because my twelve year old cousin was in the room when I said it.
Twelve years old. Do you guys remember what it was like to be twelve? Let's take a trip down memory lane for a moment. Awkward hair cuts. Cooties may not be real. Changing bodies. Acne. PUBERTY. Braces and crooked teeth. I have like no pictures of the twelfth year of my life because of the awkwardness of it all.
Twelve years old. Watching every move of the older people around me. Idolizing them. Mimicking them...every hairstyle, every fashion trend. Everything that the bigger, older, and more mature girls said and did, I had to say and do too.
So let's breakdown that paragraph and see what I actually told my cousin through that one really mean thing I said to myself:
"So I got this new job serving. And it is great and all EXCEPT I get a free meal every day."
I just told her that it's a problem to have free meals. That makes no sense. Last I checked, I should be thankful for free meals. I'm told her that there is something wrong with eating. I told a twelve year old that loves me, and is watching me, and learning from me, a twelve year old whose body is already undergoing enough changes as it is, that I don't think it's cool to eat. I told a twelve year old that the only bad part of my new job is that I get to eat.
"....I look like I have eaten a horse and need to go on a cleanse and starve myself before I can be seen in a swimsuit."
I just told a twelve year old that because I ate a meal- not anything crazy or unusual, just a normal meal- that I am ugly. That I'm fat. That I am too fat to be seen in a swimsuit ( I'm not fat or skinny by the way.. According to my Fitness pal I am dead on normal for my height and age.) I just told a twelve year old that the way to look good is to hop on the fad diet train and go on a cleanse... or if she doesn't feel like doing that, that she could always just starve herself. Who needs exercise and a healthy, balanced diet anyway when you can just puke a meal back up every now and then.
WOW. I have a lot of damage control to do. Twelve years old.
I can see it all very clearly now.. how badly the words we say to ourselves and the choices of things that we do can directly impact the lives of the people that are around us. The amount of respect that we give to ourselves sends a message to the people watching us on the level of respect that they should give themselves. I am so broken over this.
Little eyes are ALWAYS watching you. Maybe not just somebody younger even. You would be surprised how many older people have role models younger than them. It doesn't matter who you are, where you are, or what choices you are making, somebody is always going to be your mirror.
If you don't believe me, how many times have you set down at El Sombrero ( or anywhere) for dinner, and asked the person you're with what they're ordering before you order. That is you modeling your choices off of somebody elses influence.
What message are you sending to others by the way that you treat yourself? Are we going to raise up a generation of kids that know how to treat their bodies like temples, and can respect the life that God gave them; or are we going to raise up a generation of kids with eating disorders and insecurities galore? A generation of little girls that depend on a mans compliments for worth. A generation of little boys that don't even know what real self respect is, because they have never seen a man model it for them.
What kinds of habits are we instilling in the people around us? Think about that one for a minute.
Titus 2 talks a lot about teaching
" Similarly, teach the older women to live in a way that honors God. They must not slander each other or be heavy drinkers. Instead, they should teach each other what is good. 4 These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, 5 to live wisely and be pure [...] 6 In the same way encourage young men to live wisely. 7 And you yourself must be an example to them by doing good works of every kind. Let everything that you do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching. 8 Teach the truth so that your teaching can't be criticized. Then those who oppose us will be ashamed and have nothing bad to say about us. [...] 11 For the grace of God has been revealed, bringing salvation to ALL people. 12 And we are instructed to turn from Godless living and sinful pleasures. We should live in this evil world with wisdom, righteousness, and devotion for God, 13 while we look forward with hope to that wonderful day when the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, will be revealed. 14 He gave his life to free us from every kind of sin, to cleanse us, and to make us his very own people, totally committed to doing good deeds.
15 You must teach these things and encourage the believers to do them. You have the authority to correct them when necessary, so don't let anyone disregard what you say.
I have had this so heavy on my heart for a while now..and to be honest it really does suck to break it down and see how badly I have potentially hurt other people just by the way that I have hurt myself. Please, please love yourself and realize your worth. Don't you want your daughter to see her worth, your son to see his worth?
That is the exact same feeling God has for you.
Thinking about it that way really puts things into perspective for me. I don't want to teach my cousin to hate her body. I don't want to teach her to be ashamed to eat. I don't want to teach her that starvation diets are okay, as long as she thinks in her head she is okay. They are not okay. That is never, ever, ever okay. And now that I know that is not okay for me to teach her that, what would ever make it okay for me to teach myself that?
We have got to start treating ourselves better.. and holding ourselves to a higher standard. If not for ourselves, we need to do it for the generation that we are raising up. The generation that is so desperate for a change.
I appreciate all of the feedback I have gotten, and the accountability that this blog gives me. Your encouragement helps me to continue to try my best to walk with strength and integrity down a road where doing the right thing is actually really hard sometimes... I appreciate you all more than I can put into words.
I am praying for God to rock the lives of my friends, for them- and for all of you reading- to really see in a clear light how important it is to treat yourself in a way that shows other people around you how much you appreciate God's great love and His amazing grace he has given you. You are so loved, more than you will ever know, by a God that died to know you. Much peach and love.
Also... reading back over this. I want to point out how thankful I am to have gone to the highschool that I went to with the administration that it had. The whole reason I even think of the term little eyes is because of a speech my headmaster gave to us on little eyes the first day of every school year. I am so incredibly grateful to him for teaching me that.
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